Heidi Phox's Website

"The first time I was made aware of my husband’s interest was shortly before we were married. He came home from work and presented me with a letter and walked away and left me to read it alone. I was so afraid this was a “dear Jane” letter of sorts, so when I found its contents to be a confession of having had an interest in “the past” with cross dressing, I was actually relieved. At the time he presented this to me as something that was in his past and that he was simply clearing his conscience. It did not throw me too much, we all have things we do when we are younger and discontinue as we mature.

It was shortly after the birth of our first child that this topic came up again. To be honest, I can’t remember how I found out, but I remember feeling as though I had been kicked in the stomach. The fact that my husband wore women’s clothing did not “freak me out” at that time. It was rather a hit to my self esteem as a woman. I had put on TONS of weight through the pregnancy, felt extremely unattractive and I was sure my husband was trying to get something that he was not finding in me; a skinny, sexy woman.

I remember going to the library and “researching” exactly what cross dressing was. Was my husband homosexual? Did he want to be a woman? Was I falling short as a woman and he felt it necessary to fill that need himself. I came to realize it did not have anything to do with me, as a woman. I tried to be a part of his Heidi-time, but still found it very uncomfortable for me. After some years, and seeing the beautiful photos of Heidi he had posted on his social media site, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas with the intention of having a “girl’s day”. I think we were both pretty nervous. As we left the hotel and walked along the strip she seemed very self conscience which in turn made me even more nervous. I wasn’t comfortable with Heidi. In some ways it felt like I was with a stranger. And the person I usually lean on in uncomfortable situations, my husband, wasn’t really there. I know he was disappointed that the event did not go smoother. We have tried other ways to have me interact with Heidi, but nothing has quite worked.

There are areas that I feel more comfortable. We go shopping, as husband and wife, and look at clothes together. I often make suggestions on what would look good on his body type or even try to have him buy something that I secretly wish I could wear, but would never be as daring as Heidi can be. I have always been okay with this activity together. There have been times when I am out shopping that I will see something that looks “like Heidi” and will surprise him with it. I don’t mind discussing his ideas for outfits or supporting his “get aways”. I just think for me it is a “hobby” he has that I have to be a spectator in and not a participant.

My husband is an incredible husband and father. He has always been very attentive to my needs and wants. He spends much of his free time with the kids and me and makes us his top priority. I have never had any complaints about the man I married. I have had to figure out what Heidi’s part is in our relationship because let’s be honest it isn’t what I initially signed up for. BUT in all honesty I believe that her presence has helped in make making my husband the incredible man he is. I would never want him to feel he had to remove her from his life to make me happy. It would change who he is and I wouldn’t want to tamper with perfection."

"It has been 2 weeks since I encountered some of the classiest ladies I have met in a long time.

I will admit it was easy to commit to Heidi a year ago, to come along on one of her "Girls Trips", but as January 18 came closer and closer I began to wonder "What had I gotten myself into?" I felt a little like I was embarking on “Nikki’s Adventure in Genderland” We had tried a getaway before, just the two of us, and it wasn't a great experience and I was so nervous this trip might have similar results. I was so wrong.

I first met the ladies on Thursday night at Gilley's. I wasn't sure what the cast of characters would be like. Then Diana and Kelli arrived and after greeting Heidi, I was introduced and they were both so welcoming and kind. I spent a little time talking to Diana. She shared a little about her life and was so complimentary to me for having come along with Heidi and my willingness to accept this part of his life. Diana enjoyed taking pictures and I was even willing to be in some of them. It was about this time that Bobbi arrived. She struck me as kind of shy. She called Heidi and I over and presented us with these cool meteorites she had found on the desert and proceeded to share all that goes into meteorite hunting. Soon Brandi joined our circle. I thought she might have been someone's spouse and I believed she was a GG. SHOCKER, she wasn't. She was the nicest. She was also open like Diana. Told me about her wife and their relationship. She also applauded my efforts for coming out with Heidi. It was then that I realized our group had increased further with the arrival of Michelle and Grace. They were such an interesting couple, Michelle is a little more boisterous and outspoken while Grace is quiet and delicate. Eventually Donna Kelli and Lynnea arrived. I will admit I was relieved to see Lynnea, not that I was uncomfortable around the other ladies, but I did take comfort in having another spouse to hang with. Some of the girls found the dance floor and danced with each other and other patrons. Heidi soon expressed the need to use the restroom. This had been one of the things I was the most nervous about. Not that I care much which restroom a cross-dresser uses, but how would other people. So here I was making my way to the "Cowgirl's Room" with Heidi and Donna Kelli as backup. Things went smoothly. I have to admit I was proud of myself for having escorted Heidi to the restroom. Upon returning to the table the decision was made for everyone to leave for another club off the strip. It was at the next club that I had the chance to talk with Michelle a little more in depth. She filled me in on her opportunity to be a mentor of sorts for those that are trying to become comfortable with going out in the community. Then she shared with me the opportunity she has had to umpire baseball games and her obvious love of the sport. Due to the loudness in the club, talking and listening was quite hard for me, but I did a lot of people watching. And I think it was in that moment that I realized that this group of ladies was not much different from the group of friends I have that lunch together once a month. We each have a role in our friendship- the party girl, the shy one, the avid selfie taker, the sports fan, the leader of the group. And although I saw many of those same qualities in these ladies, I also saw that they still had a male side- talking about sports, hiking adventures, cars, guns.

Through the weekend, I had opportunities to see these ladies in smaller groups. And if we were in a group of Heidi and her friends’ I was ok, but going out just the two of us I found to be a little harder. I was so self-conscience of the people we pass by. Would they know that Heidi wasn’t an actual girl? Would they think of us as freaks? And it was a little weird to be around my husband, but not have him as my husband. The things I am use to doing, holding his hand as we walk together or rubbing the knap of his neck when we are sitting together I restrained myself. As the weekend continued, I admit I became more and more comfortable walking around with Heidi. A little less self-conscience of the passer byes. Our last afternoon in Vegas, we went out, just the two of us and got lunch before meeting up with Donna Kelli and Lynnea. This was my personal “win” for the weekend. I did not pay attention to the people around us. I just enjoyed my time with Heidi.

Later that night we went to Capo’s for dinner with the ladies I met at Gilleys as well as Stepanie and couple of others. And just as at Gilley’s, each of them welcomed me with open arms. Complimented me on my Mafioso attire. I chose to wear pinstriped pants, a white dress shirt and tie, suspenders and a fedora. I felt so welcome into their exclusive club. Heidi and I sat down at one of the tables and didn’t have a chance to visit with everyone, but at the end of the meal as the ladies were taking photos and saying their goodbyes, I looked around the restaurant and felt a little like Dorothy before she clicks her heels together to return to Kansas. She is saying goodbye to her companions…

"It's gonna be so hard to say goodbye. I love you all too."

She kisses the Tin Woodsman, who sadly remarks as tears threaten to rust his tin: "Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking."

She also turns to the Cowardly Lion, kisses him, and remembers his pre-courage fear: "I'm gonna miss the way you used to holler for help before you found your courage." Trying to remain strong, he thanks Dorothy for helping him: "I would never have found it if it hadn't been for you."

She hugs and kisses the Scarecrow and whispers: "I think I'll miss you most of all." She reserves a special place in her heart for him.

Not that I believe that I had any effect on these ladies, I had seen their hearts and courage everyday of this visit. They had acquired that all on their own. If anything, they imparted on me more love and helped me to have to courage to have Pizza with my “Scarecrow” in public. So Thank you to each of the ladies who were my own “Tin (wo)man, Lion(ess), and of course to my Scarecrow for making me feel so at ease and loved during this trip in “Gender-Land”. I hope I will get the opportunity to see you all again ."