Heidi Phox's Website

I am a religious person. Not super religious. I do go to church on the Sundays when I don’t work, and if I’m not out of town camping or vacationing or something. I believe in God, and Jesus, and that having a firm faith in a religion does a lot of people a lot of good as far as giving them hope when things look bleak and inspiring them to live more self-less, generous lives.

Many people see cross-dressing as at odds with being active religiously. It is true that in the Old Testament it says that if a man wears the clothes of a woman then it is an abomination to God. But this statement is in the same general area as things like it being an abomination to touch the skin of a pig and the proper way to spill a ram’s blood on an alter to please God. All those Mosaic laws were supposed to have been fulfilled and no longer valid when Christ came along.

I think the biggest issues that churches have against crossdressing are not directly religious, rather that it can be a challenge to some marriages since wives frequently have difficulty understanding it and the husband sometimes has difficulty abstaining from it; and that it might cause a scandal thereby causing avoidable turmoil for family members. Those situations should produce little or no negative consequences if they involve people who educate themselves about the issue and approach the topic intelligently.

I read of one couple that went to their clergy for counsel on the husband’s crossdressing. After an extensive session about the issue the clergiman asked what the biggest problem about it was and the wife said “He spends so much money on makeup!” The counselor said, “I think what you have is not a cross-dressing issue but a budgeting issue.”

I heard of another case where a crossdressing man asked his clergy if his crossdressing was something to be concerned about. The clergy said, “Yes. Not because you cross-dress but because it is causing you enough anxiety to approach me about it.”

I think this is the crux of the matter. If crossdressing is a disruption to your marriage, family, wellbeing or ability to provide, then you might want to make some changes. Otherwise, when done with consideration to others, it is something that can be done without detracting from the spirituality of an individual or of a family.

I would never go to church in a dress. I would not want to detract from the spirituality that people go there to find. Going enfemm would be a distraction to those trying to feel the spirit and it would be very selfish of me to put my desires above theirs. Maybe if I was perfectly passable I might find that I could do it without negatively affecting others but that is a rare case.

There is some concern that by posting my photos I might be detracting from the spiritual welfare of others, such as the viewers that get aroused by my photos, or possibly the husband who uses my situation as impetus to further his crossdressing which causes contention in his marriage. Well, although I do post some sensual photos I try to keep things classy and artistic. I can't control how others might percieve those in a way that I didnt intend. My purpose in posting such photos is to see how far I can take the illusion and to create images that I think are appealing. As for marriages, if anyone reads a little of what I've written, they would see how much I emphasize being sure to keep your spouses concerns formost in your mind. I have heard from dozens of people that have written me to say that my example has saved his marriage, or given someone an example of how to keep balance and priorities in line, etc I hope to be an example to others that it is possible to crossdress frequently for fun and still maintain a "normal" life.

I've always been a Christian, I guess... baptized as a baby, raised to be in church on Sundays. I didn't begin my journey with my femininity until my teens, but it soon became another deep piece of me. Sure, initially the dressing was a fetish motivated by hormonal arousals... I think many find that to be the initial attraction, and one I assumed would go away when I got married. But it didn't... it had become an ingrained piece of me, but it had begun to change and morph into something else, something not so much hormonal as emotional. I liked having a softer, kinda prettier side. But I never escaped the guilt I felt about it, because I just "knew" it was wrong, even sinful. Every Sunday I would silently confess my sin to God and plead Him to forgive my weakness, to forgive the transgression of this weird and odd thing I enjoyed.

In my thirties I became a student (later, a teacher) of the Bible. I came to understand the complexities and ancient implications of the Jewish Law (the Ten Commandments and the other 603 laws), how they were given to Moses with the intention to be rules for developing an exemplary society among the Jews. I also saw how the Laws became (as Paul put it in Acts 15) a millstone around the necks of the Jews and led to their conquest and exile. Jesus, when asked, boiled all those 613 Laws (including the "one about crossdressing", Deut. 22:5) down to two - love God, love others. I learned that Jesus hung out with lots of outcasts (although never with crossdressers, best we know) and loved them. And I wanted Him to love me... but I didn't love myself. I couldn't get to feeling forgiveness for this weird weakness I "suffered" from. And which I couldn't shake. And which, I believed, inflicted only me and nobody else.

In the early 1990s the Internet led me to others who had the same feelings... and while I felt blessed relief that I wasn't the only one, the feeling that this was still a sin in need of forgiveness remained. But these 'girls' I met online were open and honest, and they were a hurting community... damaged by years of hiding and shame that I knew well. That, I realized, was what we shared... far more than clothes and makeup.

And then - apart from the femininity issue - I really discovered Matthew 25:31-45 ("whatever you do for the least of these... sisters, you do for me") and what it meant to serve others as Christ called us to do. I built houses, I worked soup kitchens... and I found my soul. Except every Sunday, I was still begging for forgiveness... for myself, for my "sin". Then, as God so often does, it hit me.